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At an ayahuasca retreat, Julien speaks despite feeling uncomfortable talking about himself in front of the group. His first ceremony went very badly. At the next sharing circle, he says so without dressing up his experience.
Julien discovers ayahuasca during this retreat. He describes himself as someone who thinks a great deal, tries to understand and wants to remain rational. In the first ceremony, he recounts overwhelming fear. He no longer knows quite where he is and feels frightened by the people around him. Brief moments of light come through songs or faces, but they do not make the night a pleasant journey.
Before the second ceremony, he is exhausted and wonders whether he can continue. That night nevertheless takes another form. He sees fairly dark geometric patterns, then feels gentle waves through his body. The calm he describes feels very different from the night before.
The drums accompany contractions and releases. What Julien notices most is that his thoughts have almost stopped. Judgements sometimes return, but he feels much more in his body. The experience continues into a deep sense of relaxation.
When he wakes, he feels relaxed and full of energy. He explains that thoughts usually start up again immediately in the morning. This time, he appreciates being able to be more than his thinking mind. What he takes from this second night is that reconnection with his body, even without a spectacular journey.
On the final day, he distinguishes two further moments: an experience with Bufo in the afternoon, then the third ayahuasca ceremony that evening. With Bufo, he felt as though he were being reborn and released from some of his anxieties. The evening is more complicated, with nausea and movement between wanting control and wanting to let go.
He then describes times when he feels good, followed by the return of sadness. His final sharing retains those contrasting feelings. The relaxation and energy of the second morning remain specific changes he experienced within a retreat whose three nights were very different.
