The complete story
At an ayahuasca retreat, Anthony waits a long time for the first effects. When they arrive, just before the second gong, he decides to stay where he is. At the final sharing circle, words still come with difficulty.
In his account on October 31, Anthony explains why he did not get up for another dose. In earlier experiences with other substances, he had waited for the effects, taken more, then experienced an extremely strong onset. This time, he prefers to wait. What follows feels like peaks and interruptions.
He questions his own wish to control what is happening. He wanted the experience to intensify and asked to be shown something, but nothing came as he hoped. He ends that sharing by wishing for a different experience the following night.
At the final sharing circle, music becomes a way into his account. Before the group’s third ceremony, he had been told there would be a surprise piece of music. From its first line, he feels that it is for him. He senses the care behind that choice and describes a connection with the group’s intentions and love.
Previously, he had found it strange to hear the music intensify while someone was vomiting. During this night, he experiences that connection himself. He describes singing, feeling the urge to purge and following the rhythm of the music. After vomiting, he feels a shift in his state and enjoys the rest of the evening.
He sings with everyone through many songs, describing this as a first for him. He also recounts supporting a person near him who was struggling, just as he had felt supported. Those actions and songs give concrete form to the connection he is trying to describe.
Words still seem too small for what he experienced. His gratitude, however, is very explicit. He speaks of his admiration for the team, the care he felt and the love he wants to express to them in that sharing.
