The complete story
At an ayahuasca retreat, Laurence wants to feel more fully present in her body and her life. At the final sharing circle, she begins with that intention, then mentions another experience during the retreat: Bufo.
The first night of the retreat is the third ayahuasca ceremony of Laurence’s life. She describes small dots appearing, followed by geometric patterns that remind her of fabrics. Some shapes evoke her early childhood, without her knowing exactly what they connect with. She tries to understand and feels her thoughts returning.
She also notices a familiar difficulty: the fear of taking up too much space. Even during her turn to speak, she finds herself apologising. During the ceremony, she also describes warmth in a painful part of her body, as though life were returning there. That is how the moment feels to her.
On the second night, after purging, she describes a small circle of images against a dark background, not very bright. The feeling of warmth returns. Laurence does not take another dose when it is offered because she feels that the experience has just begun. But the sensations stop fairly soon, leaving her disappointed.
In this second sharing, she again recognises her fear of disturbing others. She thinks back to the second dose she could have requested. When she hears the team singing, she does not want to disturb them. That difficulty in expressing her need remains present in her account.
On the third night, she tries to remain calm and not reproach herself. The music makes her want to sing. The thought of disturbing a neighbour returns, alongside the wish to be with the musicians. She also describes visions and beautiful colours. Self-judgement and frustration nevertheless remain part of the evening.
At the final sharing circle, Laurence speaks of a long process. She can feel impatient with what remains unfinished. Her intention of being more fully present in her body and her life remains the thread she offers for understanding this search, with its new sensations and the difficulties she continues to encounter.
